Emotional Intelligence at Work:
How to navigate frustration in order to maintain the integrity of relationships
by Dr. Ed Slover
When most people think of education, traditional classroom settings with uncomfortable seating, teachers giving lectures that drone on, and the introduction of concepts that cannot be practically applied are a few things that come to mind. When people peel back the layers of what education truly is – some type of enlightening experience – they realize that they become educated when they are exposed to information that resonates with them, especially through storytelling. In sticking with the theme of this edition, I’d like to share with you a story related to an incredibly important concept – emotional intelligence – in order to help “educate” you and provide practical guidance so you can create and maintain positive, productive (workplace) relationships. Here goes…
Let’s say you have an employee named Michael. By all accounts, Michael is a high-performing leader who delivers business results and is well respected by his team members. Now imagine that you, as Michael’s manager, delegated an incredibly important, very specific task to be completed ONLY by him. This direction was given numerous times over the span of three or four weeks. After weeks of assurances from Michael that he was completing said task, you learn that he had delegated this responsibility to one of his employees.
How would you react?
At first glance, you might feel as though this isn’t a big deal. After all, Michael was simply creating a growth and development opportunity for a high-potential, next generation leader. Completing the task, however, was exceptionally important to driving top line revenue while minimizing expenses in order to guide Michael into making informed recommendations and business decisions. Since Michael (not his real name) was MY employee, I was tremendously frustrated upon learning of his decision to abdicate responsibility and delegate the task.
Anyone who reads about emotional intelligence likely believes that the elements are straightforward and self-explanatory. Having a high degree of emotional intelligence consists four essential elements: 1) self-awareness; 2) empathy; 3) self-regulation; and 4) relationship management.
Conceptually, each element taken separately or together is easy to grasp, but applying each when we experience heightened emotions, like frustration and anger, make navigating relational dynamics challenging (to say the least).
Here is how I reacted and worked through the situation with Michael.
Self-Awareness
I clearly and definitively knew how I was feeling once I learned Michael was not completing the task to which he was assigned. I could feel my heartrate increase and blood pressure elevate. I acknowledged that what I was feeling in that moment was justified. I didn’t judge myself negatively for feeling the way I was feeling. In fact, I let the frustration “wash over” me. After all, Michael clearly didn’t appreciate the importance of completing the task despite the direction being communicated numerous times.
Being self-aware requires us to take stock of our “affect,” which is the range of emotions we experience. There is no requirement that we judge how and what we are feeling; rather, we must embrace our affective experience and try to identify what triggered the emotions. Only when we understand “why” we feel a certain way can we come to grips with how we should react in the moment and what our actions should be moving forward.
Empathy
Once I discovered that Michael delegated HIS responsibility, I observed that he was upset with himself. As a high-performing employee and conscientious person, his body language told the story (e.g., slumped shoulders, avoiding eye contact, etc.). He did not shirk responsibility while knowing the situation he put himself in wasn’t good. Michael observed that I was quite frustrated. In most cases, when I am frustrated, I get quiet, which is exactly what happened in that moment of discovery.
Being socially aware, or empathetic, requires a person to put him/herself in the shoes of another person whether we agree or disagree with how the other person is feeling. This is incredibly difficult, especially when we disagree with how the other person is feeling. It is at this point where the situation and/or relationship can pivot into either a positive or negative outcome. It is at this point where we learn just how emotionally intelligent, we really are in a given moment.
Self-Regulation
I knew how I was feeling in the moment (heightened frustration). I knew how Michael was feeling in the moment (disappointment). I also knew that my ability in that moment to self-regulate superseded whether I agreed or disagreed with how he was feeling. Thus, I calmly asked him how many times he had been directed to complete the task to which he replied, “At least 20.” I then made solid eye contact with him and asked (quite intensely in a low, matter of fact tone), “Why aren’t you doing it?” He held my gaze and could feel my intensity. After what felt like 10 minutes of eye contact (it was probably only 15-20 seconds) he said with tremendous conviction, “I’m on it from here on out. You have my commitment” to which I said, “Okay.”
The ability to regulate what we say, how we say it, and how we behave is a skill. It is a skill that must be cultivated with intentional practice. When emotion is heightened, however, very often that skill gets thrown out the window and we simply communicate how we feel without accounting for the “emotional wake” it causes. It is through skillful self-regulation that we can get our point across so our employees don’t “spin out.” As a leader, the last thing you need is for one (or more) of your employees to be distracted because you know the longer they are distracted, the longer they are incapable of giving maximum attention and effort.
Relationship Management
My ability to regulate what I said and how I said it to Michael was grounded in how much I valued our relationship. Because of this, I was able to “get out of my own way” and give the relationship priority. I acknowledged that my frustration was MINE and his disappointment was HIS and that the relationship could become healthier and more productive if the relationship served as the focal point. This perspective allowed me to self-regulate more effectively and produce a desired outcome.
With emotional intelligence there is a tendency to think about it linearly, almost like it is made up of stages (e.g., self-awareness first followed by empathy second, etc.). The reality is that when we demonstrate a high degree of emotional intelligence, we prioritize the relationship FIRST and work backwards from there. Accordingly, by valuing our relationships and wanting them to be healthy and productive, we become more mindful about how we self-regulate because we can empathize with others all while knowing how we feel in the moment.
Key Take-Aways
- It is vital that a leader reconnects with an employee with whom they have been frustrated. In Michael’s case, I called him first thing the next morning to check-in and see how he was doing. He told me the reason he was disappointed was because “I let you down.” That message illustrated how much HE valued our relationship, which was both gratifying and humbling.
- This article summarized a work-related situation, but emotional intelligence is part of EVERY relationship we have. The question becomes whether we, moment-to-moment, demonstrate emotional intelligence to a high degree. The goal isn’t to be perfect; rather, the goal should be to improve this essential skill. A good starting point is to prioritize the relationship above all else.